Stick Some Nazis on the Giant Phone

Oi that's my depression! Put it down!

I last did a blog in March. It's now November.
In May I was diagnosed with depression - hence the silence.

Depression eh? Well this is bound to be a riot of a blog post.

Yep. It's very cheery.

1. The Stress of it all

In online lists of "the top 10 most stressful things" I'd imagine the key features of 2012-13 would all feature: 

Had a baby, 

Got made redundant, 

Gave up smoking, 

Several job applications rejected, 

Moved house, 

Moved city, 

Started new job, 

Child became possessed by satanic forces.

It's been pretty shitty. 

Plus to top it all off a diagnosis of depression is like a gagging order. At least if you break your leg you can tell people all about how it happened, they share sympathy and open doors for you and the like. 

You'd probably get some 'get well soon' cards from friends, family and colleagues. People wouldn't expect you to do too much. 

Even when you're back on your feet people might legitimately say things like "are you sure you're ready for all this?" or "goodness aren't you doing well to be getting back to things so soon" perhaps even "how are you doing?"

Mental illness yields no such sympathies.

I lost my job, then I couldn't even work my notice because setting foot in the place made me hyperventilate and feel like I was going to die. 

It wasn't the best.

So I was signed off work. 

From work I received no well-wishes, no get well soon card, no one called to see how I was doing, no one text to ask if I was ok. No one popped round to check in on how I was feeling. My boss eventually rang to tell me not to go back and introduced herself on the phone with her first name and surname. Friendly.

I never went back. 

Now I have a new job. And I thought it was going to be a magical solution to all my problems. 

But it wasn't. Which is a bit of a shitter.

2. Wonderful advice

In dealing with the current situation I have had several different threads of advice from different sources. Why don't you play a little game and see if you can sort them into good pieces of advice and stupid pieces of advice:

i) Go and see your GP

ii) Get some rest

iii) Spend some time with the children

iv) Just roll up your sleeves and get on with it

3. What not to say to someone with depression

Apparently the sort of suffering I am currently enduring is totally normal and everyone has it. In fact lots of people are way worse off than me so I don't really have any reason to complain.

If I can't get up in the morning: 

"why don't you just do what I do?" what? Leap out of bed singing "oh what a beautiful morning!" dance to the shower and beam with pride at the full night of sleep and marvellous day ahead?

er...because I have depression and getting up makes me want to die sometimes.

If I can't go to work without having a panic attack:

"why don't you just do what I do?" what? Arrive at work early with a smile on your lips and a song in your heart whistling "heigh ho!" and exchanging "good mornings" with all you pass, ready to face the challenges of the day with an optimism only rivalled by Happy Feelgood McGlad of the Shiny Shiny Good Vibe Crew?

er...because I have depression and going to work makes me want to die sometimes.

If I feel like I can't do my job properly:

"why don't you do what I do?" what? What is it that you do? Please tell me because at the moment I can't do anything because I'm paralysed with fear and anxiety and I don't even need to make the effort to want to die because my body is just going to stop living all on its own.

I have depression.

If I can't function enough to go to work:

"why don't you just do what I do?" what? Accept that everyone in the world hates their job and just get on with it? Decide that I actually CAN function on the basis of a personal motto that I read off a teatowel and can adopt as my own to give me magical inner strength and possibly also the ability to become invisible?

because I have depression. It doesn't work like that. 

I am Mrs Rational. If I could rationalise myself out of depression I really really would. I don't actually need a teatowel to tell me how to do that. But a new mug might be nice, for all those million coffees I need to drink because I can't face eating solid food.

I hope you're getting the point here, I'm aware this is in no way amusing you, but if you know someone with depression - even if YOU ALSO have depression, just don't tell them to be more like you. 

It's not helpful. 

I'd love to be able to do what other people do. I'd love to be able to go to work and do my job. I'd love to be able to shrug off a bad day like we all have to sometimes and simply hope that it'll be better tomorrow. I'd love to be able to look at a massive workload and crack on and get as much as I can done with the acceptance that I'm only human. I'd love to be able to deal with my plans not going how I want them to by just serenely accepting what I cannot change. But I can't. Because I have depression. 

It actually isn't my fault and it actually isn't my choice.

4. What to say to someone with depression - regardless of whether you are being paid to say it.

So now I have a counsellor. She is different to other people because when I say "Apparently I make out that I'm being victimised all the time" she says "well why wouldn't you feel victimised? That seems like a perfectly rational response to the situation" 

And when I say "I'm just so angry about it" she says "It's ok to be angry about it". 

And when I say "I just can't do my job" she says "What do you think needs to change to make you feel like you can do your job?" 

Which is a very different response to "Well I can do my job, why don't you just do what I do?"

I'm aware that she is paid to say these things and trained to know that these are the right things to say. However, we all have friends and family with depression and we all get frustrated at their insistence that everything is awful and the whole world is against them and whatever they do nothing is going to make it better...but instead of saying "why don't you just go for a walk, a walk will make you feel better" or saying "well everyone else has a shit life too you know" or saying "well I hate my life but you don't see me bitching about it all the livelong day" or "it's not that bad, stop moaning all the time it's not all about you" why not try saying "I'm not surprised you feel that way", it's ok to be angry about it", "What do you think is making it so bad?", "What could make it better?",  "Do you want a cup of tea?"

My husband was training to be a counsellor. But he's very strict that he doesn't do counselling on me, he's just my best friend. He makes a lot of tea.

We've been watching a documentary about Auschwitz recently on netflix, it's really good. We don't have a TV so we watch it on my son's tablet, it's a samsung like my mobile but bigger.

I got really angry last night, I was upset and I knew then that I would never be able to get to sleep because I can't switch off when I feel like my insides are being compressed into a tiny cube.

My husband didn't tell me I was being stupid or justify the actions of the person who had unintentionally made me feel like I should just die because I'm so useless.

He made me an ovaltine, took it upstairs and said "I'll stick some Nazis on the giant phone".

That is why I love him.