The Humble House Party
For those of you with children, a "house party" is a social gathering of adults (a party if you will) in the house of a person, the host (hence house party). Where drinks containing a substance known as alcohol is consumed and conversations are held at leisure with people, sometimes as tall or taller than you, about current affairs, life events, weather and points of mutual interest.
This weekend I went to one of these house parties and I thought it may be useful to offer some simple behavioural guidelines to other parents, now that we are entering the festive season. It is important that you are aware of how these events work since although, like algebra, you may have once understood them it is likely that as time has passed you have forgotten the finer details and mechanisms of such occasions.
Psara's Guide to Party Etiquette
#1 Rid yourself of spawn.
Children are not welcome, you will need a babysitter. You should ensure that for the evening you address your desperate need for once to not talk constantly about the children by talking constantly about the children, perhaps about your need to not talk about the children. Ensure that people who do not have children are aware that your child is better than all other children in every respect. Also ensure that you show photographs of your children to each person at the party in turn, this is a nice way to lead into a conversation about how you don't want to spend the night talking about the children.#2 Prepare yourself.
Get dressed in clothes, including shoes. Possibly with heels. Also apply make-up. This is what ladies put on their faces to stop themselves looking like they haven't slept a full night in three years.#3 Embrace the theme.
Embracing the theme often means interpreting the title in such a way that you can dress as a themed prostitute. For the holiday season think 'sexy elf' or perhaps 'sexy santa'. If the theme is a famous work of American Literature set in the 1920s, try to find some way of expressing yourself as a 1920s American prostitute. You probably don't own any clothes that fit. This will be a helpful start to your outfit. So dig out something from that period in your young life before the children where you were a bit fat and team it up with some ill fitting stockings that can then end up falling down just enough to show off the suspenders you haven't worn since you were single. They will complete the desperate "hasn't been out in a while so is dressing like a teenager" look. First and foremost you must be classy.#4 Introduce yourself to new people.
After a few beverages, I find that the best way to meet new people isn't to quietly say hello to whoever is near you and ask their name, offer yours and ask some insightful question about their work or study. Personally I like to bound eagerly up to anyone I haven't seen before, get right in their face and demand to know who the HELL they are, what the HELL they are doing there and then point out some obvious feature of their appearance to them. "You've got a moustache", "You're wearing a watch", "You're eating some cheese", anything will do really. That way they will feel entranced by your wit and intellect and will obviously want to be your new best friend. Which is lucky because you should finish up by announcing to the room that this is your new best friend before moving on to the next victim. I mean guest.#5 Hug existing acquaintances.
You may not usually be much of a hugger, but a few extra beverages will help in that respect. If you come across anyone at the party who you have ever met before, embrace them with glee as if they are the one person you came to the party to see. You may not actually know them very well, but by balls you know their name already and why they are there so it seems only logical. If you don't remember their name, after the hug is usually the best time to ask.#6 Drink
Make sure that you have another drink in between each friendly conversation and also during if you should be offered a top up. You shouldn't try to keep any track of the number of drinks you have had. Have a drink or two before you arrive if you can and then continuously drink throughout the party. This is important for several reasons: firstly since you haven't had more than a couple of glasses of wine in an evening for such a long time you will have forgotten what it feels like to drink your own weight, this is the perfect opportunity to remind yourself. Secondly, you can't be certain when you will be able to leave your house in the evening again, so it is important to drink enough alcoholic drinks to appease the alcohol quotient per capita as advised by the British Government. It is advised that women drink two to three units of alcohol per day, so in three years that is between two thousand, one hundred and ninety units and three thousand, two hundred and eighty five units of alcohol. That amounts to about one thousand, three hundred and sixty-eight point seven five large glasses of wine. After the first hundred or so you should lose the ability to count your legs so trying to keep up with your alcohol consumption is largely pointless.#7 Dance.
Like a loon. A loon on fire. A loon on fire in a sexual frenzy. A loon on fire in a sexual frenzy on a mountaintop just before an explosion that is about to cause a near fatal avalanche, thus permanently disabling them and ending forever their ability to express their otherwise undying lust for the dance.#8 Vomit.
After your 1368.75th glass of wine, it is wise to step outside for a while. The combination of alcohol, dancing, shouting at strangers and euphoria should now enable you to freely vomit, providing the final touch to your house-party experience. Enlist a friend and your relatively sober spouse to find your shoes and carry you to the nearest place you can safely sleep, perhaps the house of a friend who is still at the party, and fall asleep in their bed. Make sure that you vomit some more onto their clean sheets and apologise profusely to your spouse until you lose consciousness.#9 Leave.
When you return to consciousness it is likely to be the next day. Panic about the vomit. Change the sheets. Panic about the children waking up without you home (if you haven't got a babysitter staying over you should report yourself to social services at this point) *disclaimer: we did have a babysitter staying over* Panic about how your erstwhile friends now probably think you're an idiot. Panic about the fact that your spouse has lost any respect they previously had for you. Panic that despite your efforts, you did in fact spend all night talking to strangers about the children.#10 Embrace the shame.
Apologise to the children, apologise to the babysitters, apologise some more to your spouse. Apologise to anyone you have ever met, perhaps via the medium of a blog.Sorry everyone.
Bloody good party though.
